There Goes My Life
by reading
Summary: Two women react to the unexpected possibility of a child in their lives.
1. Default Chapter

_Song lyrics to "There Goes My Life" by Kenny Chesney. I'm pretty sure. I know he sings it, and it looks like he wrote it, too._

_I don't any of this stuff._

xxxx

Dawn Atwood looked at the stick. _Crap_.

"Mom?" A small palm slapped on the door. "Mom! I'm hungry!" She heard Trey lean against the door and then slide down to the floor.

Dawn dropped the pregnancy test in the trash. She splashed water on her face and looked at herself in the mirror. They couldn't afford this. Dawn bit back on the sob that threatened to bubble out of her throat. Dave had just lost his job – again. They were buried in debt and another baby…. She covered her face with her hands.

They couldn't afford this child.

xxxx

"Kiki, did you get your application for Paris turned in?"

Kirsten looked up from her plate at her father. "What?"

Caleb shook his head with impatience. "The application. For Paris. It's due February 1st."

"Dad, it's not even Christmas yet. I haven't…"

"Getting the application in early will demonstrate your interest, your dedication."

Kirsten pushed her peas around on her plate, listening with one ear. She'd heard it all before. Many times.

"Kiki."

Kirsten flinched at the frustration in her father's voice.

"We've had this discussion. Turn in the application."

"Yes, Dad." Kirsten continued to study her peas.

"Is this about that boy?" Caleb's voice was hard.

"No, Dad, it isn't," she lied.

"Kiki, you know…"

"Cal," Kirsten's mother interrupted the now familiar rant against Sandy Cohen. She saw the sadness in her daughter's eyes.

"Mary, she's going to throw her life away if she…"

"Cal, she's said she'll go to Paris. Like you want. Now, let her do it her way."

Caleb opened his mouth to say something more, but closed it at an arched eyebrow from his wife.

"Hmph," he grumbled under his breath.

x

"Honey, what's wrong?" Sandy said it softly against her hair as they sat, curled together on his couch. Kirsten turned toward him pressing into him, absorbing him. Wrapping her arms around him, she put her head against his chest, listening to his heart, trying to breathe him in.

"Babe?"

Kirsten shook her head, tightening her embrace. Sandy frowned, but was quiet, holding her until she relaxed.

"Hard dinner with the folks?" he whispered.

Kirsten sighed. "Dad's really pressing about the Paris application. I just… I wish he'd stop. I don't…"

Sandy tried to figure out what had changed. Last week they'd decided the Paris exchange would be perfect. She'd go to Paris for the summer to learn about design. He'd spend the summer in New York, working at a prestigious firm, earning the ridiculous salary they'd pay him, living at home, and flying to Paris whenever he got a chance. He had no interest in working at the firm when he graduated from law school, but he was willing to whore himself out for the money, if it meant getting to see Kirsten regularly while she was away. They'd had a plan.

"I thought Paris was what we wanted," he said gently.

"It was. It is!" Kirsten pushed out of his arms and off the couch. "It is. It is what we want." She smiled at him, her heart breaking.

x

Kirsten parked her car along the road and walked slowly up to the top of the hill. It was her favorite place to sit and think. It made her a little nervous to be there after dark, but it was her father's property, and her need to sort through all the emotions and thoughts that were spinning through her head was greater than her common sense at the moment.

She found her spot – a sheltered niche that gave her an incredible view of the ocean. To her left she could see the path that led down to a secluded cove. Sometimes she swam, when the mood was on her. She'd brought Sandy here for the first time six weeks ago. They'd gone skinny dipping in the moonlight and made love on the blanket they'd eaten their picnic on. She wondered if that might have been the night; she thought it probably was.

Kirsten drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around her legs. Propping her chin on her knees, she closed her eyes, and felt the tears start down her cheeks. _What was she going to do?_

It made no sense to keep it. She knew that. He father would flip out. He'd be so disappointed in her – that she'd gotten pregnant, that she wouldn't be able to go to Paris, that all their careful plans would not happen. The thought of telling him, of facing him made her feel physically sick, and she curled in more tightly on herself.

And Sandy. Kirsten wiped her hand down her cheeks, trying to get herself under control. He tried to make out that he didn't really care about the position at the N.Y. firm, that it was just about the money, but Kirsten knew it was a big deal. Even if he never ended up working in a firm, she knew it gave him a sense of success to have been courted and hired by the firm; to be able to return home with a prestigious job.

Having this baby would ruin all their plans.

xxxx

Kirsten stared out the window at the pool house. In the den she could hear Seth and Ryan playing a video game. The sounds of the game were punctuated by Seth's quick, light voice. She heard nothing from Ryan, but she'd watched them surreptitiously for a little while earlier, and had seen the boy respond to Seth's chatter with a glance or a quick smile or a soft word. In spite of herself, she'd felt her heart ache for him. Even as she watched Ryan interact with her son, Kirsten saw in the child's eyes the fear and the pain and a sense of complete and utter aloneness that went deeper than Kirsten thought she could bear.

She leaned against the sink, staring out the window toward the pool house.

Seth wanted him. Sandy wanted him.

Kirsten closed her eyes. If she allowed herself to think about it, she'd have to confess that right now she wasn't sure she was doing much of a job with her own child. Seth was solitary and clearly unhappy. Kirsten was at a loss. She wasn't even sure when it had happened. He'd been a cheerful, talkative kid and it seemed like overnight, he'd become this sarcastic, sullen teenager. She knew that it hadn't happened that swiftly, that she'd been wrapped up in work and Sandy and … somehow she'd lost sight of Seth. She swallowed the surge of guilt.

She turned when she heard Sandy's voice chastising Seth down the hall.

As he came into the kitchen Sandy said, "I never knew you to be an impulse shopper."

Desperate, Kirsten cried, "I didn't know what else to do."

"Did you tell him it was permanent?"

"No, of course not."

Desperate in his own way, Sandy said, "'Cause we can't keep jerking this kid around, pulling him out of Juvie, sending him to foster care, giving him hope, and…and taking it away."

"They were going to kill him in that place, Sandy." Kirsten couldn't get out of her mind the image of Ryan down, the other boy's fists flying. "He couldn't stay there. But he can't stay here. We've got to find his mother."

"He doesn't want to find her."

"He's a kid," she said, frustrated and angry at him for refusing to see; at herself for being afraid. "He doesn't know what he wants."

They were so engrossed in their conversation that they didn't notice Ryan come up behind them.

"So I guess I won't unpack."

They froze.

Sandy moved toward him. "Ryan…"

But the boy hunched his shoulders, turning away, rejecting. "I'll be… out there." His eyes met Sandy's briefly before he looked at Kirsten. Her breath caught at the lostness she saw there. And he was gone.

She couldn't do it. She was only just beginning to realize that she hadn't had time for her own son. Where would she ever find the time and the energy to take such a troubled kid into her home; into her heart? How, she thought wretchedly, can I do that for him when I haven't been able to do it for Seth?

_All he could think about was I'm too young for this.  
Got my whole life ahead.  
Hell I'm just a kid myself.  
How'm I gonna raise one. _

All he could see were his dreams goin' up in smoke.  
So much for ditchin' this town and hangin' out on the coast.  
Oh well, those plans are long gone.

Chorus:  
And he said,  
There goes my life.  
There goes my future, my everything.  
Might as well kiss it all good-bye.  
There goes my life...


	2. Chapter 2

_There Goes My Life, part 2_

_An upcoming episode may mess with my timeline on Kirsten's situation, but… I'm just going to ignore that right now._

_xxxx_

"Mom?" There was a soft knock on the door.

Dawn rolled over on the bed and faced the entrance to her bedroom.

"Come in, kiddo."

She watched as Ryan's blonde head poked hesitantly around the door. "Are you OK?" He eased toward her bed and looked at her worriedly.

"Yeah, baby." She ran a hand through her hair and over her face. Her head was pounding and her mouth felt gummy with dryness. "Ryan, would you go get mama some water?"

Ryan's look of concern didn't waver as he turned. He ran to the kitchen and clambered onto a chair to reach into a cabinet for a glass. He filled it from the tap and, climbing down, carried it carefully back to his mother.

"Thanks, baby." She sat up gingerly and took three huge gulps. She squinted at him. The light was so bright. "And some aspirin? You know where I keep the bottle?"

Ryan nodded and trotted off.

Dawn tried to remember how she'd gotten to bed. The last thing she could get a hold of in her very fuzzy brain was sitting on the couch drinking. A soft hand on her arm got her attention. She smiled weakly at her son. She took the bottle and wrestled it open. She shook four tablets out of the container and tossed them in her mouth. She guzzled the rest of the water to wash them down and, closing her eyes, eased back onto the bed.

"Mommy?" Ryan's voice was tiny. Dawn sighed. She knew she was scaring Ryan. He'd switched from "mommy" to "mom" months ago – after Trey had screamed at him to stop being such a baby following his father's arrest.

Without opening her eyes, she reached out her arm to him, feeling around for him where he hovered at the edge of the bed. Flailing somewhat exaggeratedly until she touched him, she felt around his small body, pretending like she was trying to figure out who he was. She put her hand to his face touching his forehead and eyes and ears and nose and finally, his mouth. She felt it turn up in a smile. Moving down, she tickled his shoulders, felt him squirm, grabbed his tummy and heard the giggle escape. Now she grabbed his arm and tugged gently. He responded, climbing onto the bed, snuggling next to her.

She wrapped her arms around him. Ryan wrinkled his nose – his mom smelled funny – but he still moved close.

Dawn felt him settle against her, and she smiled, kissing his soft hair. She didn't know how she'd survive without him.

"It's OK, baby," she whispered. "It's all going to be OK."

xxxx

"Mommy!" Seth let go of his father's hand and raced to meet his mother.

"Look what Daddy got me!" He thrust an action figure into her hands.

"Wow!" Kirsten crouched down to examine the plastic… man? "Who is it?" she asked.

"Spider-man!" he crowed. "See!" He moved the arms and legs vigorously back and forth. "He can ride Captain Oats! And he can do karate chops!" Seth rotated the arms wildly. Kirsten began to consider that Spider-man might soon be limbless.

"Sweetie, that is so great!" She smiled up at Sandy who had joined them. He rested his hand on Seth's dark head. When she stood up, he leaned in for a kiss. Kirsten pulled him close, and he deepened the kiss. Seth chattered on.

"And see, he can kick like this!" Seth swiveled Spider-man's hips even as he mimicked the motion with his own leg. "And like _this_!"

"Hey, babe." Sandy pulled back.

"Hey," she said.

"You ready to go home?"

"Yes," she smiled at Sandy and then down at Seth, taking his hand. "Home."

xxxx

Kirsten pulled Chrismukkah decorations out of a box. Ornaments, candles, menorah, stockings. _Stockings_.

"Seth!" Kirsten pulled the stockings out of the box and laid them out on the sofa. _Sandy. Kirsten. Seth._ They were missing one now.

"Seth!" She yelled it again.

"What?!" He yelled downstairs.

"I'm going out for awhile."

Silence.

"Did you hear me? I'm going out!"

"Yes, I heard you!" Kirsten could hear the exasperation in his voice. And quite possibly the sound of his eyes rolling.

x

"I'm back." Kirsten called as she came in the front door.

Seth came bounding down the stairs, headed to the kitchen. He looked at his mother, surprised to see her there.

"When did you get back?" he asked.

Kirsten sighed. "Just now."

"Look what I got." She held out a rolled up swath of red fabric.

Seth unfurled it, grinning at the name on the stocking.

"Cool."

x

"Oh hey, uh, Merry Chrismukkah, you guys." Seth handed the recycled presents to his parents with a flourish.

Kirsten took the package her son handed her, smiling at Sandy and Seth as they kidded each other about the gift. She was distracted, though, by the sight of Ryan's standing in front of the mantle. She clutched the present to her chest as she watched him hesitate, stocking in hand. He hung it, eyes darting swiftly to the Cohens as he thrust his hands into the pockets of his sweater. He smiled, ducking his head before he joined them.

x

It had been a good evening. Popcorn and laughter and bad Stallone impressions. More than once she was reminded of what they thought would be Ryan's last dinner with them. Ryan, fork in his mouth, eyes watchful as they went from Sandy to Seth while they teased Kirsten about her cooking, his expression cautiously amused and somewhat wistful; a quick lowering of his eyes and the self-conscious flicker of a smile when he realized Kirsten had caught him watching them. Tonight Kirsten also had moments of watching Ryan watch them – mostly the Sandy and Seth Variety Hour. But the eyes were no longer wistful – they were alight; his expression wasn't closed – it was open, mostly laughing at whatever patter Sandy and Seth were engaged it, jumping in occasionally with a dry comment or his own attempt to mimic Sly. Tonight when he caught Kirsten's glance, he grinned, secure—for the moment—in his place with them.

Later that night, after the movie, Kirsten stood at the sink and watched Ryan make his way toward the pool house. Sandy came up from behind, putting his arms around her and resting his chin on her shoulder, watching, too. Ryan turned before he entered, and seeing them at the window, smiled and waved. They returned the gesture with smiles of their own.

Kirsten turned in Sandy's arms, heart full.

"Merry Chrismukkah."

_A couple years of up all night and a few thousand diapers later.  
That mistake he thought he made covers up the refrigerator.  
Oh yeah... he loves that little girl. _

Momma's waiting to tuck her in,  
As she fumbles up those stairs.  
She smiles back at him dragging that teddy bear.  
Sleep tight, blue eyes and bouncin' curls.

Chorus:  
He smiles...  
There goes my life.  
There goes my future, my everything.  
I love you, daddy good-night.  
There goes my life.


	3. Chapter 3

_There Goes My Life, part 3_

_xxxx_

Dawn groaned and curled into a ball, pressing her hands into her eyes, hoping to staunch the bleeding pain in her head. Cautiously she slit her eyelids to half-mast. _Where was she?_

She took in the bright light, the cream colored walls, the tasteful decoration. She sat up, squinted around the room – artwork, a pool sparkling outside. Ryan.

Dawn felt her stomach turn over and she made a dash for the bathroom. _Oh, my God_. As she retched, it all came back to her with a stunning clarity, and she started to cry, tears streaming silently down her cheeks while she emptied the remnants of her latest screw-up into the toilet.

When it was over, she got shakily to her feet. She rinsed her face and stared at herself in the mirror. The woman she saw there couldn't possibly be only 40. She thought of Kirsten Cohen's elegant beauty and felt another wave of nausea. Dawn wanted to hate her for her looks, for her wealth, for her family – but she couldn't. She'd experienced Kirsten's kindness – toward her, toward her son. She'd watched Ryan interact with Kirsten, watched him watch Seth's mom, seen the longing, the fascination. It had made Dawn want another chance, a chance to be that for her own son. But she'd ruined it.

And she wouldn't do this to him again.

x

She paused for just a moment before she turned to the door, looking down at her little boy. He was no longer little, not much longer a boy. Trembling, she reached out a hand to touch his cheek, still baby soft in his sleep. He sighed and curled tighter in on himself, and Dawn felt her heart shatter at the familiar response. It didn't matter. This was what was best.

"Bye, baby," she whispered. "I love you."

x

Dawn forced herself to smile and wave at Ryan as he stood, bereft, on the doorstep of the pool house. She watched his face fall and his expression waver; from uncertainty to heartbreak and finally, to acceptance. His hand came up in an answering wave, eyes bleak in his confusion and loss. He wouldn't expect any better from her, she knew. He couldn't.

She turned and walked around the side of the house, not brave enough or steady enough to risk another encounter with a member of the Cohen family this morning. But before she rounded the corner, she cast one look back. And saw Kirsten, a hesitant hand stretched toward Ryan; and Ryan head bowed, his own unsteady hand coming up to wipe at the tears that had started down his cheeks.

Dawn choked back a sob and fled, down the driveway to her waiting cab. As the taxi pulled away, she turned for one last look at the life she would give her son, even if it meant giving up her own.

xxxx

"Mom!" Seth was yelling at the top of his lungs, standing in his room, shouting – for no good reason – at the ceiling. "Where are those things?!"

In the kitchen, Kirsten frowned. She walked around to call up the stairs, "What things?"

"You know. The things!"

Kirsten shook her head, and called again, "No, I don't know! What things?"

"Those things you got…" He still hadn't moved and was screaming.

"Seth!" Now it was Sandy – clearly out of patience. "Just come down here and tell us what you want!"

"Kirsten?" Ryan entered the kitchen from the pool house. "Do you know where those things are?"

"The things," Seth's voice was heavy exasperation and false patience, as he walked in the room, "_Mother_. The pluggy things so I can plug my things into the European things that don't like American things."

"Yeah, those things." Ryan agreed.

"Do you mean the converters?" She gave Seth a stony glare.

"Yes." His tone said plainly, _duh_.

She picked up one of the bags of trip supplies for the boys, and before Seth could react, flung it at him, striking him squarely in the chest. "Here."

She took the other and turned to Ryan who threw his hands up to protect himself with a grin. She lobbed the sack at him and he snagged it mid-air.

"Thanks."

Seth was wincing and rubbing his chest. "Yeah, thanks."

"Have you guys got everything else you need?" She looked at Seth. "Did I get you enough underpants, sweetie?"

"Mommmmm." Seth contorted his lanky frame in agony. "We've…"

Now, she turned to Ryan. "How about you, Ryan? Do you have enough…?"

"Yes!" Ryan almost shouted it. He never yelled, but anything to cut her off.

Kirsten smirked at Sandy and he laughed out loud as both boys fled.

"I'm wondering if I bring up their underwear whenever they ask me a question, I might be able to get some work done."

"Kirsten?" She looked around to see Ryan in the doorway.

"Have you seen my new backpack?"

Kirsten rolled her eyes at her husband, but went to help Ryan find what he needed.

x

Finally, they got the boys packed and loaded into the car. On the way to the airport they covered the last minute bases – I.D., passports, hotels, agreed upon dates to call. Kirsten and Sandy offered last minute advice on places to go and things to see.

Ryan, excited and more than a little overwhelmed by what they were about to do, leaned over the front seat listening intently, asking questions and, Kirsten knew, taking mental notes. Seth slouched in the back seat fiddling with his ipod, most of his contributions to the conversation taking the form of rejections.

"Dude, we're 22, not 80. I can only take so much time in art galleries."

Ryan rounded on his friend. "Seth, I'm not saying we have to spend all our time…."

Seth raised his voice over Ryan's. "Or 90 or 80 or…."

"It's Paris, Seth! We have to…."

It was a long-standing argument and one they'd been having since they'd finalized their Seth and Ryan Go to Europe plans. Kirsten and Sandy exchanged smiles as the battle raged in the back. Kirsten was looking forward to hearing how they settled their differences once they got on the ground in France.

x

Kirsten pulled Seth into a tight hug while Sandy did the same to Ryan.

"We love you," she said, kissing his cheek. "Be careful, OK. Don't …."

"Love you, too, Mom," Seth cut her off before she could finish her thought. He pulled away. "Don't worry so much. We'll be fine."

Kirsten gave him a faint smile. "OK."

The parents traded sons, and she hugged Ryan. "We love you, sweetie." Ryan's arms tightened carefully around her, and she smiled. Ryan's hugs were so much more, well, thoughtful, than Seth's loose-limbed, usually fleeting squeezes.

"Love you, too," he said softly.

"Be careful, OK? Don't…," she paused, _don't what?_ Ryan was going to let her finish and she wasn't really sure what she'd been planning on saying. _Don't do anything stupid? Don't talk to strangers? Don't take any wooden nickels? What?_

"Don't…," she faltered, "don't forget to come home to us?" She smiled to cover up the weird, ridiculous, suddenly overwhelming sense of insecurity she was feeling letting them go.

"Oh, honey," Sandy laughed. "They'll run out of money soon enough." He put an arm around her waist as the boys shouldered their backpacks.

Ryan leaned over, kissing her swiftly on the cheek. "We'll be home in a couple of months," he smiled.

Seth, taking a cue from Ryan, did the same and she felt the smile of his lips against her skin. "Yeah, you'll be kicking us out in no time, asking us why we don't have jobs…"

"Hey, I have a job," Ryan protested.

"OK, asking me why I don't have a job. It'll be like we never left."

Kirsten laughed, as they'd intended her to, asked them one last time if they had everything and sighed as they headed toward the security line. She and Sandy waited, watching as Seth and Ryan inched forward in line. They saw them make it through the metal detector, picking their packs off the conveyor belt. Finally, loaded down again, the boys turned and waved a final good-bye.

Kirsten raised her arm, saw Sandy to the same next to her and they stood, hands held high, until Seth and Ryan were out of sight.

_She had that Honda loaded down.  
With Abercrombie clothes and 15 pairs of shoes and his American Express.  
He checked the oil and slammed the hood, said you're good to go.  
She hugged them both and headed off to the West Coast._

Chorus:  
And he cried,  
There goes my life.  
There goes my future, my everything.  
I love you.  
Baby good-bye.

There goes my life.  
There goes my life.  
Baby good-bye.

The End


End file.
